Anxiety Undermines Self-Worth: Tips to Start Breaking the Cycle
Ever feel like your self-worth is hinged on what you do or what you can achieve?
You’re not alone. Many people only know how to feel good about themselves based on:
what they look like (body image or clothing)
what they have
what they can achieve
how they perform (work, hobbies, etc).
Self-worth is a problem that starts in childhood. Growing up, children come out of the womb without knowing who they are or what they stand for. Whatever “reflections” they get back from those around them, namely parents/caregivers, is what people learn what to think of themselves.
In family systems that are big on communicating internal qualities, kids grow up having a healthy sense of self-respect and self-worth. Statements like, “Wow, you’re working really hard on that,” “Hey, nice job, I can see you really want to do well,” “Great job, I like your determination,” “I love how kind you are to your friends,” “It was considerate of you to help your mom with that,” help kids learn to think positively of themselves on the inside. These reflect their inner person or sense of self.
Families who comment on external variables and make statements like, “You need to lose weight,” “You’re hair is always messy,” “Nice win,” “We expect you to get good grades,” “Your teeth are crooked,” “You have a lot of acne,” are reinforcing that our worth is based on what we can do, achievement, or what we look like. In this case, people learn their worth is only accessible when they are performing or looking good in the eyes of others. This causes huge problems and results in chronic anxiety.
Some families don’t reflect their kids much at all. They don’t say, “I love you,” hug, or show affection. Kids need all of these things, and struggle to feel valued when they don’t get it.
It’s OK to talk about winning a game, doing well in school, getting good grades, and making changes to hygiene. It’s important that families learn to balance those statements with the others that validate intrinsic worth and make statements about the inner personality qualities. It’s important to separate our self-worth from our abilities.
Teasing apart self-worth from abilities lowers anxiety.
Imagine your self-worth is like a little ball of sunshine inside a locked box inside of us. We don’t have access to it except for the reflections we get growing up. Those reflections are like the keys to the lock on the box of sunshine. Whatever our caregivers/parents do with those “keys” determines our ability to feel self-worth. If our parents didn’t know how to access that and give us the keys, we struggle.
We can learn to access self-worth through various cognitive (thought) exercises that help tease apart our worth from our abilities. One of my favorite exercises is to write down the negative thoughts we hear inside our minds, or the ones we heard from others growing up. Then ask, “Would I say this to a friend?” If not, we cannot say it to ourselves. That means it’s shaming.
We can also ask, “Is there any evidence that supports this thought?” Often, our emotional system kicks on and takes over our thinking brain. We spiral into negative feelings. Feelings are not facts, although they sometimes want to convince us something is “true.” Thinking about the evidence helps reengage the thinking brain and start changing our thought patterns.
Changing thought patterns that result in anxiety takes time.
You didn’t get into this problem overnight. There may be decades of reinforcement that have solidified these negative thoughts and fueled anxiety. Anxiety treatment makes a significant difference in changing thoughts and behaviors. These patterns were learned, so they can be unlearned. It takes time, effort, and the right method to connect all the dots and program change.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I’ve helped many folks wrestle through anxiety and self-worth issues. Please feel free to call to discuss your struggle and goals.
