Couples Therapy
Are communication issues, conflict, or lack of intimacy threatening your relationship?
You’re trying hard to communicate and not getting anywhere. Conversations end in the same cycles of criticism, defensiveness, disrespect, hostility, and withdrawal. Someone emotionally chases the other and ends up feeling lonely and misunderstood. A cutoff ensues. Nobody is talking. Or sleeping well.
How long does the cycle go on before you get a chance to reconnect? Did anything get resolved? Maybe you wait for the “mood cloud” to blow over and call it good for now. It comes up again. Over time, you feel more frustrated, tired, and unappreciated. Disconnection leads to intimacy issues or emotional gridlock. You’re hurting and stuck. Now what?
Maybe the intimacy started strong. Now you can’t remember the last time you were touched. This isn’t what you signed up for. It’s confusing and you’re taking it personally.
Perhaps the relationship started out rocky in the beginning and has never improved. You hoped time would resolve the differences. The more time passed, the more you struggled.
You raised a family but lost touch with each other. The years of hardship have taken their toll. Can the bond be restored?
Or maybe you’re just getting started as a newly engaged or newlywed couple and struggling to work out the kinks.
Effective couples therapy heals humans, restores intimacy, repairs connection, and resolves differences.
You’ve already experimented with the methods that don’t work. Let’s work together so you can develop the skills you need to heal yourself and your relationship. I can help you learn research-driven methods that last and prevent relapse.
Relationships are harder than we realize. It’s not just you.
Most people don’t know how to do relationships successfully. We do what we learn and aren’t all lucky enough to have good models. Learning by experience is hard. Couples therapy is like school for how to do relationships and life successfully.
Life is hard, even harder when lonely. Life struggles are buffered by healthy relationships and made harder when they suffer.
We need to be loved. Sometimes partnerships are the first opportunity for us to find unconditional love. Maybe your parents were wonderful, and you expect your relationship to live up to where you began.
Relationship disconnection = physical pain in the brain. Literally. If we took a picture of your brain while feeling disconnected in your relationship, the area that lights up on an fMRI is the same area that lights up when you are in physical pain.
Healthy connection is a basic human need.
With effective couples counseling, you can learn how to break up conflict cycles, develop healthy communication, resolve differences, organize parenting, and fulfill your needs for intimacy and connection.
If we took a photo of your brain after successfully completing couples therapy and restoring connection, that area that was lighting up in pain before would no longer be lighting up. Resolution = no more pain.
Couples therapy creates connection, peace, and security.
One of the most important goals in couples therapy is to become aware of your role in the problem. We will identify specific behaviors that aren’t working, what drives them, and how to change them. Insight leads to accountability, action, and change. When we understand what drives a problem at the core, we create deep and satisfying resolutions that last.
Trying to change someone else is normal but it doesn’t work.
Couples counseling works best when you set your expectations on changing yourself. The only power you have is to change what you are doing. If you keep trying to change your partner, you will fail. It might take 20-30 years, but the relationship will deteriorate.
In the first session, I will listen to your concerns, identify the problem, immediately start mapping it, reflect it back to you so you feel heard and can see the problem clearly. I then teach the necessary skills so you can fix it.
The presenting symptoms always represent larger, underlying core problems. We will identify and work to dismantle the root problems, then implement effective principles that work. You must fix problems at the core to prevent relapse.
You didn’t get into this problem overnight. You won’t get out of it overnight.
Couples therapy is a commitment to changing. Effective couples counseling facilitates and streamlines healing, and prevents relapse. Disagreements are inevitable. Life throws curveballs at us. It’s how we handle situations and communicate that matters.
Clients love my genuine, straightforward approach.
As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I can help you quickly cut through years of confusion and get straight to the core problems. Sixteen years of specialized experience as a couples therapist equals tens of thousands of hours unknotting problems and implementing change. (Yes, I did the math).
As a successful couples counselor, I stay very busy, and clients give consistent feedback about how much they learn. My methods will leave you feeling understood, clarify the sources of problems quickly, and provide useful tools to work with between sessions.
You may have some concerns about starting couples therapy.
How long will couples therapy take?
Everyone has different goals, a different level of ability and willingness to work. Some people are angry or have a lot of history to be processed. Some have experienced a lot of trauma. Others are emotionally gridlocked. Many have been trying and are shut down; we must work to reboot the emotional system.
The level of hurt influences the time it takes to recover. Straightforward communication issues take less time than major trust violations or significant trauma. The amount of hurt that has occurred, level of resiliency and accountability in each person, and the willingness to work on goals between sessions influences the timeline for recovery.
Regardless, therapy doesn’t take forever, and these are normal obstacles for couples. We will work through wherever you are at.
What if you side with my partner?
A skilled and respectful couples’ counselor never sides with anyone. I watch for problem triangles, and opportunities for people to feel ganged-up on. I preserve the integrity of the relationship by knowing all the ways it can be harmed and addressing issues in advance or immediately.
I’m extremely skilled in spotting manipulators, and ensure emotional safety in the therapy space. Respect is key.
Do you see individuals? What if I want to attend alone or my partner won’t come to couples counseling?
Everyone deserves help. You cannot control someone else, only yourself. I do a ton of successful individual work. With an abundance of expertise to share, I help people in whatever situation they present with. It’s important to get help.
How do you handle separations or divorce?
With integrity. I never push people towards decisions to reconcile or separate. I’m marriage-friendly and patient. The marriage therapist’s role is to respectfully journey with clients until they know what they need. It’s inappropriate for me to decide if you should stay or leave.
When people decide to end relationships, I help them transition with integrity. If children are involved, they are the priority because kids are vulnerable, and have no power or say in adult decision-making. Transitions are hard, and everyone deserves to be respected and respectful. If needed, I can help you learn how to separate or divorce with minimal hurt. The goal is always to do no-harm.
What methods of therapy do you practice?
I am well-versed in the following:
Bowen Theory/Transgenerational Therapy (Murray Bowen) - most of my clients love this approach the most.
The Gottman Method (John & Julie Gottman)
Emotion Focused Therapy/ Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (Sue Johnson)
Trauma Theory (Collin Ross)
Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (Albert Ellis)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (Aaron Beck, Donald Meichenbaum)
Narrative Therapy (Epston & White)
Choice Theory (William Glasser)
Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (Steven Hayes)
I also closely follow the research of many important researchers/counselors in the field including:
Esther Perel (research on intimacy and desire)
Brene Brown (research on shame and vulnerability)
Bessel van der Kolk (founder and researcher of PTSD)
Dan Siegel (researcher on interpersonal neurobiology - INPB)
Let’s chat about how couples therapy can help you.
If you’re ready or preparing to take effective steps toward healing, feel free to give me a call. I personally answer my phone and return calls the same day or within 24 hours. It’s important to feel comfortable with your counselor. I will take my time, answer your questions, and help you feel comfortable with the process. Let’s chat and see if we are a good fit. Call me at 810-397-4861.
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