Understanding and Stopping Lies During Affair Recovery
Affairs are one of the most painful crises a couple can face. There are many challenges during the initial phase of discovering the affair. One of them is the ability for the person who had the affair to accurately report what happened and answer the many questions their partner will ask.
The initial phase of affair recovery is one of the most challenging and arguably, longest, stages in recovery. The betrayed needs to make sense of what happened and is grappling with denial, shock, anger, and bargaining. Asking questions helps them understand and process what happened, make decisions about reestablishing trust, heal and gain closure about the violation(s), identify underlying issues that caused the affair, rebuilt intimacy, and establish boundaries and expectations for the relationship and the future.
Why does my partner keep lying to me? They’ve already been caught!
For many couples recovering from affairs, the betrayed feels exasperated in the discovery phase and is retraumatized by anything in their partner’s story that doesn’t add up or that changes during discussions. For the offending partner, the story changes as they disclose the truth and details of the affair. This produces a “trickle truth” phenomenon for the hurt partner. Reasons for this oozing of the truth include:
Memory Lapses: Often there is a lot of shame underneath the choice to have an affair, and individuals find it challenging to face themselves and their partner’s hurt and anger. Forgetting parts of the past is a technique the brain uses both subconsciously and unconsciously to manage pain. It’s not an excuse to hide or lie but part of what couples in affair recovery need to deal with.
Hiding Behavior: People know having an affair is a betrayal that is hurtful. Individuals hide the truth from their partners because they know their behavior is unacceptable, and they don’t want to get caught or make a full confession about what really happened.
Borrowed Functioning: What begins an affair is usually linked to fusion or borrowed functioning. When individuals can’t sustain liking themselves from the inside out, they borrow the opinions of others. As time passes, the need for a fresh perspective of self can brew and often leads to losing interest in their partner’s view of themselves. This results in needing to borrow a new reflection of self from a third party and begins an affair. This same phenomenon causes individuals to hide from their partners during affair recovery. Once the hurt partner finds out about the affair, their perspective of the partner and relationship declines instantly which produces a negative reflection of self in the partner who cheated. The once admired becomes the hated. It’s intolerable.
Negative Reflection of Self: Once caught in an affair, the offending partner doesn’t want to experience the reflection of themselves through the eyes of their betrayed partner. They try to control for their partner’s negative views of them and ooze out the details of the affair in ways that are confusing and infuriating for their hurt partners. This leads to more trust violations and trauma along the way.
Exhaustion: As more time passes, it gets tiring to keep answering the same questions over and over. It wears people out and stretches their patience and resolve. It’s easy to lose track of the empathy and compassion needed to provide the hurt partner with what they need to recover.
Fear. Desperate for repair, some people become so afraid of making a mistake, or of some truly innocent text/email/interaction being found and misinterpreted, they choose to delete it. It’s an attempt to protect their partners from “unnecessary” pain stemming. That stems from overthinking, anxiety, and operating from fear. It often results in an appearance of deceit which compounds trust violations.
Underdevelopment in Moral Reasoning: The offending partner has gaps in the development of their moral reasoning and can’t yet operate from a sound set of principles/rules to live by that come from their values, beliefs, or life convictions. They can’t reason alternatives or choose a set of principles to live and operate by. The emotional system is running the show.
Stages of Moral Development in Affair Recovery
One model that explains the kind of reasoning that causes more trust violations in the early phase of affair recovery is Lawrence Kohlberg's three phases of moral development, which are based on his theory of moral reasoning. It can be applied to various ethical dilemmas, including extramarital affairs. These phases are:
1. Pre-Conventional Level:
- At this stage, individuals are focused on self-interest and obeying authority to avoid punishment or gain rewards.
- During affair recovery, someone at this level might justify their actions based on personal desires or needs without considering the consequences for others. For instance, they might refuse to share details of the affair based on their own internal argument that if they are not caught or don’t confess fully, there is no harm done. Individuals might reason they were justified in their decision to have an affair and deserved happiness regardless of the impact on their partner. This results in repeated abandonments that deepen the trauma for the hurt partner.
2. Conventional Level:
- Individuals at this stage are concerned with maintaining social order and adhering to societal norms and expectations.
- During affair recovery, someone at this level might feel guilty or conflicted because they understand that their actions go against societal norms and could harm their partner or family. However, they may still engage in the affair due to feeling trapped in their current relationship or succumbing to temptation. This produces multiple and prolonged trust violations.
3. Post-Conventional Level:
- At this stage, individuals develop their own moral principles that may transcend societal norms. They consider abstract ethical principles and the rights of others.
- During affair recovery, someone at this level might evaluate the situation based on principles such as honesty, integrity, empathy, and compassion. They may grapple with questions of autonomy, honesty, and the potential harm caused by their actions, considering the complexities of their relationships and responsibilities. This provides the best chance for successful affair recovery and prevention of relapse.
A major component to healing an affair and preventing relapse is making sure both partners are operating from sound moral reasoning.
Applying Kohlberg's stages to affair recovery can provide insights into and explain the moral reasoning of individuals involved, ranging from a self-centered perspective to a more nuanced consideration of ethical principles and the impact of one's actions on others. This helps us understand what work needs to be done to heal the hurts caused by the affair and ensure a fully recovery and prevent relapse in the future.
Often, the reasoning of the partner who had the affair has been compromised in some way. Even if they don’t identify with their choices during the affair, having an affair means they have lost track of themselves. Individuals in recovery need to strengthen their integrity and self-worth from the inside out. This usually involves improving emotional maturity, eliminating shame, improving communication skills, and creating a connection with the self that can be clearly shared and communicated with the partner.
The stages of moral development are not strictly linear, and people may fluctuate between these stages depending on the circumstances and their personal growth, ego strength, defense mechanisms, family histories, history of trauma, and other variables that need to be addressed in affair recovery.
Affair recovery is a complex process. Most couples need help.
Affairs are painful and complicated life crises in a marriage. If you are struggling with the discovery or disclosure of an affair, you will likely need help. Affairs land us in the “emergency room” of the relationship world. I’ve helped many people understand their experience and choose a path for healing. Please feel free to contact me to discuss how affair recovery therapy can help.
