Affairs: Harnessing Painful Endings in the Service of Change.
Affairs end the relationship as we once knew it, and can bring about necessary changes for a better future.
Does that mean affairs are a good idea? NO. They are no more “productive” than a near-death experience or getting cancer. However, if you end up in this situation, it’s possible to harness the pain and lessons learned in the service of change.
Affairs often result from unmet needs in a relationship or individual.
Does this mean the person who has been betrayed is to blame? NO.
Affairs often result from systemic breakdowns in the relationship, or inside one person and that becomes a relationship issue. Sometimes people have been trying to solve problems for years, and an affair provides a reprieve from the unresolved issues and loneliness that has resulted.
Or maybe one partner hasn’t been able to voice their concerns, stuck in a cycle of being seen and not heard or people-pleasing. An affair revitalizes the soul for the person feeling dead inside. It provides a glimpse into parts of the self that couldn’t previously be accessed.
The discovery of an affair has the opposite impact on the other partner. It deeply wounds the person experiencing the betrayal. Affairs are exceedingly painful and involve a difficult road to recovery for all involved. They are life-changing.
An affair effectively ends the relationship that was once established.
Affairs always end the relationship we had together. Recovery invites a new relationship. One based on new rules for communication, conflict-resolution, and with a focus on balancing both partner’s needs. If recovery is successful, an affair is the beginning of a relationship that is more functional than where it began.
Betrayal is one way issues come to light. It’s painful, sometimes devastating to partners. People often have no idea how to sustain relationships over time. Learning the hard way is excruciating. If the couple is able to work through each piece of recovery, they ultimately establish a new relationship.
Affair recovery involves several parts including a deep understanding of what happened and how you ended up where you are. It’s essential to address issues at their core to heal, and prevent relapse.
Affair recovery is very challenging, and usually requires professional help.
A skilled therapist or counselor can help. Some people wait to get help, wondering if they can figure it out, hoping it was a onetime offense and will go away, or feeling very ashamed and vulnerable.
Affair recovery can take time and is influenced by a variety of factors including willingness and ability to be accountable, empathic, transparent, and resilient. It takes time. The amount of time an affair takes place, the amount of lying, and the meaning of the affair also influence recovery.
Help is essential, and the quicker, the better. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I have helped many families with affair recovery. Please feel free to contact me. We can talk about your needs and your situation.
