The 5 Stages of Grief in Divorce (Plus a New One).
Grief is a natural process that everyone goes through during a divorce. Although everyone grieves differently, we all experience the stages of grief. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross originally documented the five stages of grief in her book, “On Death and Dying.” David Kessler has recently added a sixth stage, meaningfulness, which he documented in “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.”
Each person in the family system experiences grief uniquely and based on their position in the family and role in the divorce. Outlined below are the five stages of grief, descriptions of the perspectives of each person in the family system, and ways to support children experiencing divorce.
Grief from the perspective of the partner initiating a divorce.
Denial
Often begins years before the divorce. It’s the beginning of the end as this partner begins to realize things are not what they hoped for. They start noticing things that don’t make sense, recognizing they are not getting what they signed up for, and beginning to recognize behavioral patterns that are not working. They often deny this for a long time, hoping it’s a one-off, a bad day, a phase, something will change over time. Even when confronted with evidence, people at this stage aren’t able or willing to recognize it for what it is.
Anger
Anger is normal and can last a while. The pot starts to boil as the unmet needs and dysfunctional behavioral patterns continue to simmer. In this stage, people begin actively, covertly, or internally feeling a lot of anger.
Blaming self and blaming other for the sad outcome is very common. People will start to ask questions. “Why me?” “How did this happen?” “Why did you do this to me.” They may start feeling outwardly hostile. “This is your fault.” “I didn’t sign up for this.” “I didn’t deserve this, I was loyal and worked hard to make this work, and you didn’t.”
Anger often boils over into other aspects of life and look like frequent irritability.
Bargaining
In this stage, people want things to return to normal. You may wonder if you’re doing the right thing, question your decision and its impact on others. You may start to wonder if it was really that bad, and be tempted to dismiss the data you’ve already collected. You may try to repair the relationship, or rekindle intimacy. This state of dissonance is very painful and riddled with uncertainty. Some people refer to it as the “rumination wheel,” and cannot feel like they can make a decision they can live with either way.
Pleading, begging, making desperate promises, caving into what others want, or panicking are common. Nothing is certain. The aggrieved is hurting and wants to do anything to make it stop, even if it means going back into the dysfunction. This can go on for years.
Depression
The deep sinking realization that things are not getting better or are permanent. There is a sense of helplessness or hopelessness. It is common to cry frequently and struggle to control the tears.
Some people withdraw into a more clinical depression where they aren’t eating, sleeping, maintaining personal hygiene, or start losing track of their goals. Feeling forgetful, unable to focus, and struggle to manage basic tasks, work functioning, or parenting are other symptoms of depression in this stage of grief.
Acceptance
This does not mean agreement or condoning. It means realizing this is real and the only direction is forward. In this stage, people are actively working on self-care, rebuilding life, reimagining goals and the future and taking steps toward embracing the change in a more optimistic way. The fog has lifted.
Some may start redesigning life by tackling the living space, getting a new job, wardrobe, friends, makeover, a new haircut. Rebuilding oneself and the environment is the central task. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even though we aren’t totally out of the woods yet.
Meaningfulness
In this stage we have accepted what has happened but will never forget. People must find a way to sustain the love for what has been lost and find new meaning and purpose. The reactivity to the memories has faded into more acceptable and manageable levels. Talking about what happened is easier. The focus is on pursuing meaning and purpose after the loss.
Some choose generativity: taking what was learned and paying it forward. This happens on a continuum of being present with others be experiencing a loss to creating foundations or support systems on a grander scale.
This stage is about learning to focus more on what was loved before the loss than on the pain caused by it.
Grief from the perspective of the partner being divorced.
Denial
How a partner chooses to disclose their desire to leave the relationship impacts the stages of grief. In this stage, it may be shocking and utterly impossible to believe what is happening.
People may act as if they are not getting divorced, or like the person who says they are leaving isn’t serious. Maybe there was an affair and it’s impossible to believe it really happened. You deny evidence of what is real, going about the day, requests for physical and emotional intimacy, friendship, etc. as normal. What is happening is incomprehensible.
Anger
“How can this be happening?” “How could you do this to me?” “I thought we were doing OK.” “I knew we had problems but not the kind that leads to divorce.” Blaming is common.
Sometimes people triangle others into their emotions. Calling friends, relatives, colleagues and reporting on what is happening just to vent the pain complicates the relationship dynamic and the exit.
In unhealthy relationships, behaviors like involving other family members, blowing up someone’s phone with calls or text messages, threatening to show up unexpectedly and without and invitation, panicking, stalking, or threatening self-harm may occur in response to someone setting a boundary that they are leaving and not changing their mind.
Bargaining
People want life to return to normal. People in this stage may try to make good on requests from the past that once fell on deaf ears. This can be confusing for everyone and is often unsustainable. Making promises, finally agreeing to go to therapy, giving into requests for change is common.
If the partner doing the leaving remains firm, the partner being left may be angry at them for not “giving them a chance,” and display more anger and blaming.
Depression
Depression often takes the form of a deep sadness about the permanence of the situation, helplessness to change it, a decline in functioning, or withdraw and isolation. In this stage people feel like they are surrendering to the tsunami they cannot stop.
Some people wonder if they can even bear to go on in life or wonder what the purpose is in trying. Thoughts may become dark or irrational and an existential crisis of meaningfulness and purpose is triggered.
Acceptance
People start to accept the reality of the situation. They consider what their lives can look like going forward, start to rebuild relationships with other friends, family members, or peers. They may consider dating again and imagine what the future can look like with more optimism. They accept the future is happening and choose to be an active participant in rebuilding their lives.
Meaningfulness
People realize they can not only survive but learn to thrive again. They may be able to look back and identify what they learned from the experience, and let it make them a better person. They learn to accept the person who left them as a useful influence in their lives and transform the pain into something more productive. “I learned ____ and I’m a better person for it.”
Grief from the perspective of children going through divorce
Denial
Children experience changes they cannot control, and often, cannot cope with. Age impacts how children handle news of a divorce. There can be a myriad of responses. Some experience it as catastrophic, a complete disintegration of the world they once knew. Others have witnessed years of pain and saw it coming, sometimes even wished it would happen.
Often, it’s unbelievable to kids that their world will change. It may not register right away. It’s a good idea to keep an eye on kids after communicating to them that the parents are divorcing because some kids won’t talk about it or show anything overtly.
Some things to watch for:
- Are they eating normally?
- Are there any changes to their social structures?
- Are their grades changing?
- How is their mood?
Often kids will show changes behaviorally before they will be able to communicate verbally they are feeling the impact. Don’t assume that no response is a good response.
Parents need to reinforce the kids are important no matter what. Kids need to know both parents will stay in their life and continue to love them even with the coming changes.
Anger
Kids show anger behaviorally more than verbally. Parents often report experiencing an increase in behavioral problems that were already present, or some new ones.
Sometimes kids take sides, deciding which parent is the “bad” one, or which one to lash out at. Sometimes they oscillate. One week mom is the bad guy, next week dad is. Try not to internalize it. This is normal.
Parents can help by accepting the anger as part of the grieving, helping kids learn to express it more respectfully, and being present with them when they are hurting. Like when kids get a banged knee, we respond to them emotionally before whipping out bandages.
Bargaining
Kids have no power in a divorce. All the decisions are made by adults. In this stage, they manufacture lots of reasons to feel like they can control things. They even make up reasons why they are to blame for the divorce:
- Maybe if I hadn’t fought with my little brother so much…
- Maybe if I had done my homework without complaining…
- Maybe if I had just done my chores more often…
- Maybe if I had (fill in the blank)….
Kids protest and always pull for their families to get back together. They may reject the divorce, dream about reconciliation, and make promises they just cannot keep or that don’t make any sense. They may even take on the symptoms of the dysfunctional family system, and malinger (feign illness for attention). All they want is power and for things to return to the way they were.
This is normal and can be heart wrenching for parents. In this stage, parents can give their kids choices over what they can control, remind them the divorce is not their fault, reassure them that there were problems in the adult relationship that caused this and it has nothing to do with them.
Reassuring kids they are not to blame does not mean naming the problems in the adult relationship. In fact, that is often unhealthy and can be damaging to parent-child relationships. For example, if one partner had an affair, parents are not advised to disclose this. An affair has nothing to do with the relationship between parent and child and only serves to hurt the relationship between the child and the offending parent. Adult problems are best kept between parents.
Depression
Kids experiencing the sinking realization that change is imminent and permanent. Some kids withdraw, isolate, their grades slip, they pull away from family and friends, lose track of hobbies they once enjoyed, want to quit their extracurriculars, or show lots of tears and mood fluctuations.
Kids take divorce personally. Unable to separate self from other, and kid problems from adult problems, they often internalize the parent’s rejection of each other as a rejection of them as well. It feels like their world is crumbling, they can’t stop it, somehow it is their fault, and they can’t control the pain.
Some kids even admit to wanting to die. It’s always important to take what kids say seriously and get professional help. Any time kids talk about wanting to die, it’s important to have them evaluated as quickly as possible. The fastest way to an evaluation is through the local hospital emergency room or by calling 911.
When kids are not at risk for hurting themselves, there are other ways to support them. Some need therapy to talk through their feelings. Having a neutral party they are not worried about offending is helpful.
Acceptance
It an take a long time to arrive here. Sometimes years. I always tell parents to expect it to take about two years for kids to adjust and finally be OK again. The first whole year is about deconstructing the world they once knew. The second year is about re-establishing new everything. Sometimes families have to move and adjust to new environments, change schools, make new friends, say good bye to old ones, establish how to do a year’s worth of holidays, and maybe even meet new people when parents begin to date again.
In the acceptance phase, kids are have adjusted to all of the changes that have occurred and realize life will be OK going forward. They know their parents aren’t getting back together and have stopped the protesting.
Nobody forgets what happened but kids are out of the darkness and have made peace with the change.
Meaningfulness
Kids learn to adopt new family members, including new stepparents. They re-write the story that life once was painful but now it is better, and they have new people to love and care for them.
Not all parents remarry, and that’s OK. Kids in this stage see life as worthwhile and are living actively in their circle of control, pursuing their goals, and self-defining the person they want to be going forward. Life is about pursuing a meaningful future.
Divorce counseling helps ensure respectful, healthy transitions during painful times.
Divorce is hard on everyone. It’s important to consider everyone in the process of change. I always invite families to go slow, be respectful, and keep the kids in mind since they have the least amount of power over what happens. A respectful divorce is possible.
Although nobody wants a divorce when they get married, sometimes they happen anyway. Most families need help. As a couples therapist, I also help people facilitate divorce, process grief, and rebuild life. Please feel free to reach out if you need help grieving or transitioning through divorce.
